We dont have to go to dinner or anything gay like that. I just wanna do it.
I absolutely love you.
We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
He's tryingto open a beer with a Police baton. Cut him off or see where this leads?
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.
Dude I've been in FL since Monday.
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
I'm a full-grown woman and thusly I expect my sphincters to behave themselves.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
Randomize
