peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
There's always time for handjobs
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
True but, who really needs money in europe? Just barter with sexual favors. A bowl of cereal is worth a blowjob.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
Let's run into the wild and just eat berries and have sex all the time.
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
5 hours of volunteer work playing with puppies and banned from the frat I hate most as 'punishment'... Besides the ER trip, I'm not seeing the bad in this situation
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
Randomize
