I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
they have a walk of shame score keeper on their fridge. I marked my tally for him on my way out..
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
the easter KEGG...out of a drunken typo there arose a new and spectacular holiday tradition
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
You'll pass into the great gay beyond
Where it rains cosmopolitans and scantily clad gogo dancers of all genders direct traffic
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
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