you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
I heard that if you win you get to have sex with me. You guys really need to stop wagering my vagina.
I just got hard thinking about a crunch wrap. Im done
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
Actually some of the best sex I've had involved a lot of laughing.
How small IS your cock?
It sounds like drunken magic sprinkled w narcotics
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
Randomize
