I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
I'm not sure, but I think she had a tampon in when we fucked
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
It's like she can't drink without using a flambongo
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
Who loses their virginity to fucking Flo Rida
Im wearing black today mourning the orgasm i couldn't get this morning :(
Randomize
