i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
He just told me my boobs made up for all the bad things that had ever happened to him. I'm definately having sex with him again.
Randomize
