I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
We will have to stop frequently for food, stretching legs, interesting things on the side of the road, and sex. So you might as well eat.
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
third eye blind makes so much more sense now that i have a drug problem
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
He's got a southern drawl and a lisp. I'm getting mindfucked right now.
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
I don't remember much, but my night is dated pre-Jaeger and post-Jaeger. Also, my boss may or may not have tucked me in.
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
An hour is enough time for me to get drunk and win a dry hump marathon so I hope you have somewhat similar or better goals
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
Randomize
