Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
the last thing i remember is inserting the sippy stray into the jack daniel's.
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
She asked for her virginity back. I don't know what to say
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
Randomize
