Did you hit it?
Turns out she was a he. but to answer your question, yes.
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
So....maintenance found the bullethole.....
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
Nah, he's definitely here somewhere. Whether he survived the night or not is your problem, but I'm pretty sure he's around.
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
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