just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
Did I tell you I had a charge show up for $36 on a credit card I haven't used in 6 months from Wild Wings? It was that night we slept across the street from the bar.
I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
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