I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
Tuesday night just isn't my ideal coke binge night.
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
So yeah you need to stop having near death experiences at McDonalds.
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
Thanks for having me and my emotional baggage over last night.
Come to the roof. We are drinking breakfast.
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
Question: how does one descretely ask the ice cream truck driver thats out at 10:00pm if he sells weed?
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
Randomize
