he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
no one should ever give us hovercrafts
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
just wrote a 6 page paper on my blackberry. including 3 sources. college is teaching me good things so far.
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
I cannot be this high in this house. This house has so many of my secrets in its walls.
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
Well she made a 15 year old cry, the grandmother did an ice luge and I woke up to the sound of sex moans
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
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