Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
id fuck shawn from boy meets world only if we could name the baby topanga.
Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
I need a costume
Dude just wear a bra or something hahaha
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
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