she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
Yo, go checkout Kerri's Instagram quick! There's like 12 pics of her fucking some guy in a bar's bathroom. GO GO GO GO!!!!
What part of drinking with my mom makes you think i'd get naked
All of it
I shaved my pussy for you. If you complain about a single hair that I missed again, you will be greeted by a bush the next time you go down on me and i will MAKE YOU KEEP GOING
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
What do you mean relationship? He paid for my tires and I gave him a blow job.
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