i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
coming from the girl bound and determined to pee in the snow
why would you restrict a girl of that
Im just a social blackout drinker.
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
He had bigger boobs than me last night and we both weren't wearing a bra so it was a fair judgement
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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