after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
Ok say I was sexually attracted to a patient who also happens to be in high school...on how many levels is that illegal? And will I actually hear the laws break when I fuck him
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
Just headbutted a photographer. This convention just got really interesting.
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
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