Cold hands, warm shart.
I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
He may be engaged to someone else, but god damn that was the best 3 hours I've ever spent naked with someone.
Girl you know I'm an advocate of debauchery but you might wanna check yoself.
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
sorry for showing your butt to the bar
sorry for licking your cheek
3 hour lecture of my biology teacher talking about isotopes and space shuttles. I'm way too high for this.
Randomize
