Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
i wish i was a boy too so i knew what a blow job felt like
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
*goes to show prof a picture* *forgets tit pic is in camera roll*
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
Randomize
