I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
Just wandered into a surprise final. Only a surprise for me though. I wish I could say this is the first time this has happened.
There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
I've finally done it, I've downloaded some messenger lesbians like to use because some girl wanted to flirt.
Congrats, you're all grown up now.
I FEEL LIKE A GAY BUTTERFLY
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
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