Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
I'm pretty sure I left my reasoning skills at home last night, and just brought anger and rage with me.
I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
$3 wine plus diet sprite does not make good champagne.
does taste better than andre tho
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
I'm pretty sure you and I ate the entire Keebler elf weed workshop
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
