he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
You got kicked out after 30 minutes, 3 beers and 2 shots. Group record. Also you kept rubbing his belly and calling him buddha.
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
Update: tequila girl had her hand down groomsmen pants
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
Randomize
