How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
Is it possible to be promiscuous but in a classy way?
so Mike and I made a deal. we'd do anal if he would help me pick out carpet tomorrow.
What...you let him do that?
It wasnt that bad. the two minutes it took is nothing compared to the 10 hr day I have planned for him tomorrow
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
Btw...I puked in my hand last night and threw it on the floor. Don't let me do tequila ever again.
Well I went on a freakin rampage and destroyed a fan and claimed that it wasn't doing its fan duties... Then I knocked on everybody's doors in the hall and asked if they were content with their fan's performance and if not I would take care of it...
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
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