Fine. I'll sleep in my office
I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
It must have been true love
I don't call true love eating a bag of doritos and then going down on each other
So Ive decided I have serious issues. Im walking around the school with a bag labeled booze money collecting from people while slightly hungover at 8:20 in the morning, and nobody is questioning me.
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
They refer to his house as "the abortion clinic". Cant wait.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
thats because you have standards... and i have a thing for guys that give me free drugs.
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
ROB LOWE. SO BEAUTIFUL. SO DOUCHEY. SO HARD TO SPELL HIS NAME WHEN DRUNK.
I want to die, ON THAT, with that INSIDE ME. ironically, I sense that would be the only time I'd feel alive.
He has a syndrome called asshole. And it flares up 24/7.
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
Randomize
