Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
It's official, my little sister has hooked up with more girls than I have.
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
I think sunday funday got a little out of control. There is cheese slices and BBQ sauce all over the roof and 4 empty bottles of vodka in my room.
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
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