then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
One eye has cum in it and the other has sunscreen
summertime
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
My legacy here is being that tiny blonde girl that threw someone down and shouted "Fuck your face, I'm Dee Dee Ramone."
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
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