Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
he yelled at me for calling the fat girl fat. if I can't call out fat girls to my brother who do i have?
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
Wow has his pick up routine ever gotten bad. He is trying to use cheese as a way to flirt with the waitress
Oh man, he played the Harvarti cheese card and it didn't work. Now he is flailing
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
thank god my bra was in my purse... were all good
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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