im in a room full of women tattooing each others tits. i hope i remember this tomorrow
Someone in my class is wearing shirt and on the back it says...National Bible Quiz Finalist 2006. Do you really expect me to find a guy here
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
P.s. remind me to tell you about the porno that Paul envisioned starring you. It's wizard of oz themed.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
I’m looking forward to our Cougar years. These freshmen know how to fuck
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