ally, we are sitting by a fire and you are totally hot. no pun intended
I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
he woke me up with all the stuff I had at his house in boxes i had to unwrap my own belongings and he said. Happy v-day its time to see ya day! Worst day ever
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
Bahahah I should. I’m the free range drunk girl who should clearly not be free range because who knows what kind of fuckery I would get into
Randomize
