Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
do you ever facebook stalk someone so much you think their inside jokes are yours?
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
Randomize
