Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
She was sucking his dick at Seacrets outside bar in front of all of us...her friends kept coming over crying and yelling "Tiffany stop it"
With such a small dick you'd think he'd try to make up for it with some sort of personality.
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
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