Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
my liver is dry heaving
Can you repeat that, but with context?
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
Randomize
