Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
I dont know, my roommate got arrested but I'm gunna get some tacos no matter what
Dude, you face planted, there was no "bar fight".
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
I'm kinda surprised he wouldn't be honored to take me back as a fuck buddy.
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
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