what age do we have to be before we can stop fucking guys on the first date?
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
My adult sexuality and some of the best memories of my childhood collided like a Pee Wee Herman wet dream.
Elaborate
Strip Mario-Kart
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
I lost the right to judge tonight
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
Randomize