My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
I cut my penus on the lid.
So what does a sober person do in Vegas on a Friday night?
jusi got death stares at taco bell because I asked if Denise was working.
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
DISHONOR ON YOU. DISHONOR ON YO FAMILY. DISHONOR ON YO COW
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
I'd date him. I'd date the fucking shit out of him.
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
Caitlin, you were laying in your bed feeding your dog ritz chips and singing a whole new world at 4am loud enough your neighbors came over an asked you to stop.
I love my life
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