It's hipsters with their motorcycle cop mustaches, moccasins, douchey irony, and department stores to supply their independent conformity
Something's gotta give!
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
I need more social interactions that don't involve sex
So I'm guessing that puking on a camper is a straight path to instant termination?
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
Is 6 weeks really a benchmark now?
Ask me in 6 more weeks, when they're in a bisexual polycule.
Randomize
