He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
My life is a video game called get the drunk princess back to her castle, thank you to all that participated
So, it's been almost 3 months and and I still dont know her last name. That's gotta be a record.
Things are coming back to me in chunks. I vaguely remember signing a shirt that said 'I enjoy vagina'
I AM SO PROUD OF YOU
I would be down to associate sex w taco bell
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