why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
she wrote "need hug!" on a sticky note, put it on her back, and passed out on his bed. they're trying to figure out how she got into his room...
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
Shame is for Republicans.
Randomize
