omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
Dude it was bad... like you fell asleep around the toilet after drinking from the back tank bad.
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
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