On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
I'm pretty sure there is a country song about this exact situation
Is it because I queefed?
well I mean we knew we had more drinkers than runners, so we had a "case race for the cure" for relay for life instead of an actual marathon. day drinking and philanthropy. can't go wrong.
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
Dude this weed smells so good they should make it into a Vicks vapor rub scent and I would rub it all over myself.
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
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