i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
i'm using my hot pot to make jello shots in a muffin tin. i'm never ever graduating.
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
If you've never been pounded by an Eastern European body builder, I would highly recommend it.
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
I disagree, if your last name is Weiner then the sending of dick pics should be mandatory. I'd give him a pass.
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
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