i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
i now know from two sources i am better at making out and giving head than she is. and not by a little either.
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
Thats why you dont have a "jubilant gunfire celebration"
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
It was marvelous. I was drunkenly conversing with my professor in some of the best Spanish I've ever spoken.
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
Randomize
