i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
I have show me your genitals stuck in my head. Except in spanish. Muestrame tus genitals. Tus genitals.
I have never made a good decision in that bathroom...
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
We're currently sharing pics of our cats. I can't wait to sit on her face.
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
Can I come over and get it in, take a nap in ur bed, grab some poptarts and then leave?
You haven't lost that air of class about you...
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
Will exercising make me less horny?
Randomize
