I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
i just watched a special on porn, the business isn't doing so good. You may want to wait before you start your career
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
Randomize
