I am puke
he just fed my chickens on farmville...i guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex<3
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
If hypothetically I needed to puke on the bus... how would I go about doing this.
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
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