just found his boxers balled up inside my tights, hidden in my freezer. damn i love college.
I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
Night. I'll wake u up at 6 with the unfinnished vodka bottle so be prepared young grasshoper. U have much to learn.
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
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