what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
ice luge is my downfall...
...u mean upfall.
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
but they dont look like handprints. looks like someone had a boxing match with my tits and my tits lost
she came back from her house with A paper cut , a 2liter of sprite with Bacardi , and half a mustache . we're inviting her more ofte
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
Randomize
