dude just tell them you don't wear clothes. they'll understand
she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
no. i seriously look so gross with this sunburn. i wouldnt even wanna bang myself. and im really into myself.
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
I promise I won't bug you anymore, I just need the following things at your convenience but preferably soon: my earrings, cup, and panties. Thanks. Good talk.
Randomize
