i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
Your the only person to come back from spring break with a non std related infection
It's okay. I think we're back on. I just went on a dog walk with him n blew him on a sidewalk
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
Randomize
