I'm watching harry potter...good thing I already know I'm gay
the best things in life are free. have that freshly fucked look and doing the walk of shame by HIS girlfriend.....priceless
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
basically theres shrimp everywhere. splattered on the walls, in the carpet, its bad. ohh theyre never gonna get the smell out.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
LOOK AT MY ASS AND LEGS IN THIS SKIRT. I KNOW ALL THE BEST HIDING SPOTS IN THIS BUILDING. AND I OFFER TEQUILA.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
Randomize
