my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
Going out so taking the 2nd 1/2 of beer w/ me ont'tube in a Pringles tube. I give money to people on the street that have more self respect.
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
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