I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
I'm still reeling over the fact that you beat us all at Risk while you were flat on your ass drunk and falling asleep on South America.
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
Idk I'm sorry it's weird to ask for testimonials on your penis
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
Gov of Georgia is going to allow massage therapists to return to work.
Gives a new meaning to 'Happy Endings'.
Randomize
