Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
Great way to live...just blowing loads on upholstery
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
ITS THE FIRST FRIDAY NIGJT AFTER MOVING IN WITH THE NEW ROOMIE AND I ACTUALLY JIST RIPPED MY TAMPON OUT AND THREW IT IN THE NEIGHBORS YARD WERE GOINF ON THE BOAT AND SLEPEING IN HIS AMBULANCE GOODNIGHT
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
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