i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
Apparently "he pulled out..mostly" is not a valid reason for thinking there's no way i can be pregnant to the nurses at the student health center.
Started with us just having a beer. Now Ivan lit a torch to walk to the store, Ben smashed a 26 in the parking lot, and they're throwing broken shot glasses. Fratio Friday is something.
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
Randomize
