I was hooking up with him in my car, he wouldn't stop with my nipples, I had to literally beat him off of me. He kept groaning too while he was doing it. Sick.
Mommy issues
Im not sure if he just tripped or was star gazing, but i gave him head anyway.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
No, no. The rest of his everything inspires me to put his dick in my mouth
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
Look idk the rules and regulations of our freindship...but I need you to carry me to my car.
Randomize
