So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
We've got 2 weeks of college left-I want to feel like Gary Busey by graduation.
if you wouldnt have been fucking me hard and crazy like that then my bed wouldn't have broke. you owe me 600.
so you admit it was good then??
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
I don't know if I have the sustained energy level for partying hard
Not a choice. You are mistaking my comments as options. My statements are facts. This is what is happening.
Medically YOU CAN'T BE AN ALCOHOLIC TILL 25!!!!! WE GET 3 BONUS YEARS!!!!
woke up in your bed at 6 AM. on my way home I passed Nathan, bloody, barefoot, and still in a toga. He told me he woke up in a ditch then kept repeating "I'm totally bringing this up at meeting tomorrow". I'm proud of your frat today
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
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