saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
I want to make a zoo with you.
Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
she took out her dip, threw up, and put it back in. it was like a scene from Nick and Nora's trip to the trailer park.
He told me about his girlfriends trust issues during our post sex spooning
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
Also I just learned you, Samantha, and I three-way made out at my Halloween party. News to me.
See,its just the last time this situation happened I ended up hiding in a closet on my birthday
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
Must be why he thought choking was foreplay. Like WTF? No.
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
