So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
Speaking of school, I've done the math and I get laid about 10 times more often than I did before I got my law degree. $100,000 well spent.
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
Answered a bio test question bc of watching phineas and ferb. Remind me to always drink when studying.
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
Randomize
