I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?
I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
we got our roommate high for the first time. He went into his room alone and watched Malcolm in the middle for three hours
Nhdgh I love you very much hello becausevs. Vagina pensiono
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
You were so excited to be getting 4 tickets to the Whale Rodeo.... That high
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
He made me ask permission to to cum and it made me cum.
Randomize
