Yeah but my nose is so stuffed if I tried to give him head I'd suffocate
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
Just wondering why in an apartment full of stoners there is half a waffle in the TRASH CAN. get ur shit together man
I just saw two girls throwing up in the bathroom. they were high-fiving under the stall...
There's a high school volleyball camp on campus this summer. I'm definitely going to jail.
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
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