I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
We spilled a whole bottle of mouth wash and then proceeded to roll around and make out in it. At least I smell minty fresh.
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
Omg. The news was on TV while I was giving him a bj...when the weatherman said its a beautiful start to December, he groaned and said it sure is.
We were destined to go to rehab together
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
i'll llet you know if at any point this night starts to make any sense
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
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