i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
He only uses me for sexual pleasure. The sad part is I don't even feel like a slut. I just I feel like I should just live in the top drawer of his nightstand....for free of course.
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
bad decision 37: pregaming the antique store
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
Did strip banana grams actually happen last night
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
You should have hard cock pics on hand to send in the situation that you can't stop driving, pull out your cock, browse the countless pics I've sent you of my tits, get him hard and text a pic through. I mean, it's simple sexting ettiquette.
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
The power of my boobs compel you
Were you the one who yelled "FOR GLORYHOLE!" then punched a hole through my door?
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
But on a side note, how the fuck do you "accidentally " get peed on
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